I Know It's Gotta Stop, Love, But I Don't Know How
by gracelupin
Summary: 'He looked at her straight in the eyes and said "Dora, this must stop. I don't know how, but it must." He then dropped her trembling hands and started pacing.' Remus/Tonks songfic based on New Ceremony by Dry The River. DH set after Remus leaves. Contains swearing.


A/N: This one-shot was inspired by Dry The River's song 'New Ceremony' (the lyrics are in italics by the way). It is a beautiful song and I really recommend giving it a listen. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.

* * *

_I waited by your bedside,  
And couldn't close my eyes all night.  
I named you like a prayer._

_It's anybody's guess how,  
The angel of doubt came down,  
And crept into your bed._

Tonks lay silently on the cold wooden floor next to the bed, their bed, still fully dressed as tears wandered down her paled heart-shaped face. Her shaking hands gently caressed the growing bump of her stomach and she cast her mind back to the previous night.

She should've seen it coming, Merlin, she probably did see it coming but everything was just so perfect and she didn't want to spoil it by confronting him.

Him. Her Remus, her husband. She should've known what he was thinking, she should've said something, anything, to stop him from letting himself believe it was his fault.

She should've known he would react like this and she should've known his doubts. She should've known. And now she was alone in their house with their unborn child.

"You selfish fucking bastard, Remus Lupin, you coward." Tonks spat, even though as she said his name, she couldn't stop herself letting out a gasping sob, he was her husband and she loved him, even after all that he'd done.

Tonks stayed there on the solid floor until the new sun rose, her husband's name still a silent whisper upon her trembling lips.

_But after we danced to the shipping forecast,  
The words escaped your mouth:  
"I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how."_

_Now the stairs forget your shoes,_  
_And the gate don't creak for want of you._  
_But the jury's out on me._  
_We're wise beyond our years,_  
_But we're good at bad ideas, my love._  
_Or so it seems to be._

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since her husband had left her and their unborn child and it still felt like yesterday.

To be fair, it had gotten a bit easier but still, whenever Tonks even thought of him, a white hot rage built up inside her and she turned into a blubbering, sobbing mess. Because of this, Tonks soon learned to banish all thought of him to the back of her mind.

However, it was at times like this, when she lay alone in their bed at the dead of night, Tonks became a prisoner to the back of her mind and couldn't help but think of him. And as she thought of him, her mind took her back to the night he had left.

Tonks had been sitting in the small kitchen of the cottage they owned, swaying her head happily to a Weird Sisters record when he came in the room with a solemn expression on his aging face.

He promptly took her by the hands and pulled her up to her feet. By this time, Tonks was already beginning to feel a bubbling worry at the pit of her stomach.

He looked at her straight in the eyes and said "Dora, this must stop. I don't know how, but it must." He then dropped her trembling hands and started pacing.

"I have been so selfish," he began, his boots making echoing noises on the flagstone flooring, "I have let myself get too close to you and by doing this, I have not only destroyed your life, but now the life of an innocent child."

Tonks tried to say something, anything, but her mouth wouldn't move. She was frozen to the floor in shock.

He turned to look at her, "I must leave, now. It will be better for both of you that way."

Tonks's senses quickly returned to her and she tried to protest, "Remus," she began, not knowing what to say, "You can't leave. You just can't. Please, I don't want you to go, I need you!" she said, her voice growing in confidence and in anger.

Remus looked away, he knew he was a coward but it was for the best.

"I'm sorry." He whispered hoarsely and soon apparated from the house, leaving his screaming wife behind.

_Shine a little light,  
Don't wrestle with the night,  
Don't think about the future now.  
I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how.  
_

_My little one, my kettle drum,  
I know I had a message at the start._

Lightening flashed violently across the dark sky as rain poured down out of grey clouds. Remus Lupin hurried quietly along the paved street in muggle London, his dark cloak covering his scarred face. He had been stupid, so stupid. Harry was right; he was a coward.

He stopped abruptly at a rotting, wooden bench and sat down, not caring that the rain was soaking his fraying cloak. He took a deep breath and held his aching head in his trembling hands.

He thought of their child, of how he had betrayed it before it was even born. This thought was not comforting in the slightest and just made Remus even more certain of how terrible a father he would be.

However, he couldn't help but think how right Harry was; he couldn't just leave his unborn child and wife. Also, he knew deep down that James would agree too.

_My babel tongue, my come-undone,_  
_I know I had a message at the start._

_My prison kiss, my dying wish,_  
_I know I had a message at the start._

_But it up and abandoned us, when we were sleeping in our beds._

It was all his fault; he had to go and mess everything up, just when things were getting better. If he hadn't have said those things to Dora, if he hadn't of let those doubts control him, everything would be fine. It was all his fault.

He remembered the night when she'd told him about the baby; he had been so happy, so amazed. However, it didn't last.

Later that night, when he was lying in bed next to a sleeping Dora, doubts crept into his mind: what if the child was like him? What if he'd passed his curse onto an innocent baby? How could he live with himself knowing he'd single-handedly destroyed all the hopes and dreams of his child by forcing it to live with a terrible curse?

However, Remus then remembered, whilst watching the rain pour down around him, the way her lips felt against his, how the small bump of his child felt under his hands, how the sound of her laugh warmed his very soul, of how he felt with her in his arms and all his doubts, all his fears vanished and he knew what he had to do.

_It's anybody's guess how the angel of doubt laid down, s__and beneath our house._

_I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how.  
I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how._

Remus's parting words echoed through Tonks's mind as she sat up in their bed, her arms wrapped tightly around her bump.

She needed him, and she knew that he needed her too but he just had to go and leave, leave them.

Suddenly, a clashing noise came from the kitchen and Tonks instinctively grabbed her wand tightly and aimed it at the doorway.

However, just as she was about to check out the source of the noise, a familiar voice whispered into the darkness, "Dora, my Dora, are you there?" It was Remus.

Tonks froze, unsure of how to react; a part of her wanted to hex him into oblivion but another, more loving part of her wanted to throw her arms straight around his neck.

"Dora I am so sorry, I have been such a coward." Remus said as he entered their room, his wand tip illuminating the room with blueish light.

"Remus," Tonks gasped and, as the more loving part of her won, she threw herself into his steady arms, "You're home." Tonks whispered happily as she buried her face into her husband's neck.

"Yes, I'm home." Remus agreed as he wrapped his arms around his wife's growing middle, "I'm home."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! I'm not sure I got this quite right but it has been hanging around in my head for far too long. Also, please review as it would make my day :)


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